Unhealed Toxic Energies: My Personal Journey to Choosing a Child-Free Life for Self-Healing
- Bruklan Starr LeFay
- Feb 19
- 11 min read
Updated: Dec 2
Content shared is for informational and inspirational purposes only. You are fully responsible for your own actions and decisions. Please seek qualified professional help for medical, legal, financial, or other needs.
✨ Greetings, my Fantastical Fairies and radiant Magical Starr-bursts… and of course, a sparkling wink to those delightfully caught up in a wave of Bruklan-itis, you are part of the magic too.
I’m Goddess Bruklan, here once again to sprinkle stardust on your spirit, ignite the glow of your inner flame, and guide you toward crafting the most enchanted, elevated version of your life. Sending ripples of beauty and brilliance out into the cosmos around you.
Some journeys begin in sunlight.
Mine was born in shadows. Quiet, lingering, and heavy in the air like storm clouds waiting to break.
But within those shadows, a deeper truth began to hum, a truth that would one day become liberation.
This is the story of how I chose myself fully, fiercely, unapologetically.
This is the story of why I chose a child-free life… and how that choice became the portal to my healing, my mission, and my inner freedom.
This post is not a judgment on anyone else's choice regarding parenthood nor am I interested in anyone passing judgment on me for choosing to not have children; rather, it’s an exploration of my journey and the factors that led me to the conclusion that not having children is the best path for my self-healing.
This is not an article on parenting. If you need help in that area make sure you are reaching out to a qualified professional since I am not nor do I claim to be one.
Growing up in a chaotic environment filled with people who think severe criminal activity is acceptable and is swept under the rug, manipulation is considered encouragement, and habitually lying is their version of truth, deeply influenced my perspective.
I witnessed firsthand how unresolved trauma affected individuals. My observation was clear: unresolved traumas weigh heavily on parents, and those burdens are passed down, creating a cycle of pain and dysfunction for everyone involved. This realization has heavily influenced my decision to remain child-free.
The Environment I Grew Up In
I grew up in an emotional climate where love was not soft, but conditional… transactional… unpredictable.
There were days when affection came in fleeting bursts, and others when the air crackled with rage, manipulation, guilt, or cold silence.
Even as a child, I could feel everything.
Every shift in tone.
Every suppressed argument.
Every emotional landmine waiting beneath the surface.
The adults around me carried wounds they never tended to. Wounds that leaked into the space like toxins.
Instead of warmth, there was survival.
Instead of guidance, there was confusion.
Instead of harmony, there was emotional chaos.
And while many children learn math or spelling first, I learned how to read the temperature of a room within seconds.
I learned how to anticipate moods.
How to shrink.
How to “behave.”
How to brace.
Looking back, I see just how deeply I inhaled the unhealed energy around me.
How easily a child absorbs the pain of others.
How silently trauma roots itself, like vines climbing the walls of your inner world.
To truly grasp the reasons behind my choice, reflecting on my upbringing is crucial. Raised in a community riddled with criminal activity where fear reigned supreme. Community members were threatened into remaining silent instead of reaching out for help from the proper authorities, creating a culture where manipulation, threats, fear, and lies thrived.
The isolation I experienced was further compounded by bullying from those I was taught to trust. I faced a form of emotional abuse, leading to years of feeling unworthy simply because I was unwilling to live up to the expectations of others. I realized that these experiences shaped not only my perception of relationships but also my understanding of self-worth.
The Impact of Unhealed Toxicity
The thing about growing up in an environment steeped in unhealed pain is that you carry its echoes long after you leave it.
It shows up in your relationships, in your hesitations, in your triggers, in the fears you can’t quite explain.
It shows up in your self-worth, in the way you question your value, guard your heart, apologize too much, or trust too little.
And it shows up in your sense of identity, in the quiet internal whispers that say you must earn love rather than simply receive it.
I spent years tangled in patterns that weren’t mine to begin with.
Patterns inherited.
Patterns absorbed.
Patterns born from leftover hurt passed down like an unwanted heirloom.
I carried them until they became heavy,
and then heavier,
and eventually unbearable.
It wasn’t until adulthood, when my inner child’s suppressed cries began pushing through the cracks, that I realized:
I wasn’t living my life.
I was living my wounds.
The wounds put on me by the wounded un-healed people that were around me my entire life.
As I navigated through my struggles, I began to notice how unhealed traumas in the lives of parents, as well as other relatives and friends, created toxic energies affecting children.
Children raised in such conditions often experience feelings of guilt and inadequacy. This was particularly true for me, as I often felt responsible for the emotional state of those surrounding me. The constant pressure to accommodate others’ emotional needs had formed a deep sense of anxiety that I grappled with for years.
My Awakening
Awakening rarely arrives as a peaceful whisper.
Mine shook me awake like thunder.
There came a moment when I realized that my soul was not created to repeat the toxic patterns I had been exposed to.
I was not meant to replicate the cycles that raised me.
I was meant to break them.
But awakening is not glamorous. It’s messy.
It’s the tearing down of illusions.
It’s the unraveling of old stories.
It’s the grieving of the childhood you didn’t get.
It’s the sacred confrontation with the version of you that survived,
so the version of you that wants to live can finally breathe.
During this awakening, I began asking myself the questions most people avoid:
What did I actually want from my life?
Who was I underneath the conditioning?
What choices would I make if generational pressure wasn’t guiding my hand?
And what would truly set me free?
Those questions burned.
But they also illuminated something profound.
For the first time, I realized that motherhood was not part of my soul’s blueprint.
Not because I was incapable.
Not because I was afraid.
But because I was meant to heal… and to heal deeply.
It took years of emotional work and self-reflection to untangle the patterns of dysfunction that surrounded my childhood. When I finally began seeking self-healing, I discovered countless layers of conditioning that required deep investigation.
When raised in a toxic environment, you often find your reality distorted, and it becomes hard to identify what is real and true. I began learning about Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), an emotional response to prolonged trauma that can hinder one's ability to heal. Understanding this helped me realize that self-healing is necessary no matter how difficult it may be.
Choosing a Child-free Life for Healing
People often speak of parenting as a calling.
But healing, true, soul-level healing, is also a calling.
And my spirit made it clear:
I could not hold both at the same time.
The child within me needed mothering first.
My nervous system needed peace.
My heart needed rebuilding.
My lineage needed a liberator.
I didn’t want to pass down fragments of wounds to a future child.
I didn’t want to offer love through the filter of scars I hadn’t yet reconciled.
I didn’t want to reenact the emotional storms I once survived.
Honoring that truth required courage. The
courage to go against societal expectations,
courage to detach from outdated timelines,
courage to choose a path many misunderstand.
But choosing a child-free life was not an act of avoidance.
It was an act of devotion to myself, to my spirit, to the future of my lineage.
And that choice has been one of the most sacred, self-loving decisions I’ve ever made.
Had I become a parent in that turbulent period, I surely wouldn't have been able to create the nurturing environment children need. My journey toward self-discovery would have been compromised, and I could have perpetuated the cycle of trauma I sought to escape.
Taking this path requires immense courage, but it is necessary to break free from the generational chains of pain I experienced. By choosing to remain child-free, I protect my personal healing space, allowing the time and energy needed to transform the toxic energies I was exposed to into something positive.
My Universal Life Mission
Once I let go of what wasn’t meant for me,
my true mission began revealing itself.
I was not placed on Earth to follow the script others handed me.
I was placed here to alchemize the wounds of my past into wisdom…
to transform pain into purpose…
to use my voice, creativity, sensitivity, and awareness to help elevate the collective vibration.
I was born to break generational patterns,
to shine light into shadowy spaces,
to help others reclaim themselves the way I reclaimed me.
My mission is not bound to raising children.
My mission is bound to raising consciousness.
And the more I heal, the more I see the truth:
The universe didn’t withhold motherhood from me.
It redirected me.
It guided me toward a path where my gifts, intuition, and emotional sensitivity could serve on a wider scale.
I’m here to nurture the world in a different way.
Through healing, through teaching, through creation, through the energy I bring into every space I touch.
The focus of my life is all about promoting love, understanding, compassion, and healing. Instead of passing down wounds to another generation, I am highly focused on creating a future for those who truly want to do the necessary self-healing work.
My mission is my child.
Embracing My Journey
What once felt like a painful divergence now feels like divine alignment.
I no longer carry guilt for the path I chose.
I no longer shrink under expectations that were never mine.
I no longer measure my worth through traditional milestones.
Instead, I embrace the truth that my journey is unique, sovereign, and sacred.
I am building a life rooted in self-awareness, emotional liberation, spiritual alignment, and inner peace.
I am breaking patterns that generations before me refused to break.
I am choosing healing over obligation.
I am choosing freedom over fear.
I am choosing myself, my peace, my purpose, my destiny.
And that is enough.
More than enough.
That is powerful.
Because choosing a child-free life for the sake of healing isn’t a lack.
It’s liberation.
It is the reclaiming of a soul that refuses to repeat history and instead creates a future drenched in clarity, authenticity, and light.
This is my journey.
My truth.
My freedom.
And I embrace every step of it.
Remaining child-free is a deeply personal choice rooted in my experiences and self-awareness. It is essential to clarify that this choice does not devalue parenthood but is instead an affirmation of loving oneself enough to break cycles of toxicity.
Recognizing the reality of unhealed toxic energies from my past has offered me clarity. I hope that by sharing my story, I resonate with those who have had similar experiences. There is profound freedom in prioritizing self-healing over societal expectations.
Prioritizing self-care and personal growth paves the way for breaking free and creating new patterns.
In summary, my decision to not have children symbolizes a commitment to my well-being and to nurturing a world focused on true healing. I invite you to reflect on your own journey. Use your experiences as stepping stones toward healing and growth. Your choices can cultivate a brighter future for yourself and potentially, for others.
Affirmation
I actively participate in my own healing.
🌒 Ritual for Reclaiming Your Path: “The Liberation of the Lineage”
This ritual is designed to help you release inherited wounds and honor the ancestral cycle-breaker you are.
Perform it anytime you feel the weight of expectation, guilt, or old energies tugging at your spirit.
You Will Need:
A white candle (clarity)
A black candle (release)
A small bowl of water (healing)
A rose quartz or clear quartz
Paper + pen
A quiet, uninterrupted space
Steps
1. Create the Sanctuary
Dim the lights.
Let silence wrap around you like a soft veil.
Light the white and black candles side by side representing duality in harmony.
Place your bowl of water and crystal in front of them.
As you sit before this small altar, imagine your breath gathering your scattered pieces back to your center.
2. Name the Energies You Are Releasing
On your paper, write what you refuse to carry into your future:
• inherited expectations
• toxic emotional patterns
• generational wounds
• fear of judgment
• guilt
• pressure
• unhealed family narratives
Write whatever rises. Let it spill out.
3. Speak the Release
Hold the paper to your heart and whisper:
“These burdens are not mine to carry.
I release what was never meant for my spirit.”
Then either fold the paper and place it under the black candle
or tear it into pieces and place them beside the candle symbolizing the dissolving of old stories.
4. Claim Your Chosen Path
Place your hands over the bowl of water.
Imagine it glowing. Pure, cleansing, lunar.
Speak:
“I choose healing.
I choose freedom.
I choose my sacred path with clarity and peace.”
Dip your fingertips lightly into the water and press them gently onto your forehead, heart, and throat awakening intuition, self-love, and truth.
5. Anchor Your New Identity
Hold the rose quartz or clear quartz in both hands.
Close your eyes.
Imagine a soft, warm light blooming in your chest.
A light that says:
I am whole. I am sovereign. I am free.
Let that light radiate outward, filling the room,
extending through your timeline,
touching past and future versions of you.
Stay here until you feel your spirit soften.
6. Close the Ritual
Blow out the black candle first symbolizing endings.
Blow out the white candle second symbolizing beginnings protected.
Keep the crystal somewhere meaningful to remind you of the moment you reclaimed your path.
✨ Prayer for Choosing Healing
Divine Light, Source of All That Is,
Hear the quiet truth of my heart.
I stand today as a bridge between what was and what will be.
I honor the wounded parts of my lineage,
not by repeating their stories,
but by releasing them with compassion.
I choose healing.
I choose peace.
I choose the destiny my soul whispered to me long before I learned fear.
May my spirit be anchored in clarity,
my heart in softness,
my path in sovereignty.
Bless my journey as I break cycles with grace.
Guide my steps as I rewrite the narrative of my ancestry.
Hold me as I become the healer my younger self needed.
And let my life reflect the freedom, wisdom, and light
that choosing myself has awakened within me.
I offer gratitude for this path.
Untraditional, powerful, and divinely my own.
May it continue to unfold in truth, purpose, and love.
Amen.
And so it is.
Until our paths cross once more, may silver moonlight kiss your steps, may golden stardust whisper to your heart, and may every day unfold like a spell of wonder.
I’ll meet you in the next post, my radiant souls. Keep glowing, keep shimmering. ✨
Let’s keep this little corner of magic filled with encouragement and light! If you feel inspired, I’d love for you to leave uplifting and kind comments. Not just for me, but for everyone who wanders through here. You never know whose heart your words might touch or whose day you might brighten. 🌸💫
✨ Your Voice Matters! ✨
To my wonderful readers: If you have ideas or suggestions for future blog posts, I’d love to hear them! Drop your thoughts in the comments. I’m always listening. If it’s something I’ve personally walked through, I’ll happily add it to my list of upcoming topics. I believe in writing straight from the heart, and only about what I’ve truly lived. Your input helps shape this space, and I’m so grateful to share this journey with you.
✨ Share the Magic ✨
If this post touched your heart, I’d be so grateful if you shared it with others who might need its message. Let’s help the love ripple outward, reaching every soul it’s meant to. 🌊💫 Be sure to bookmark my website so you won’t miss any of my future blog posts or creations that are on the way.
Thank you, truly, for being here and for your support. It means the world. 🌹
With love, always. 💖
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